- Published on
A Fresh Start
Coming out of survival feels like a fresh start. When you've been given a new beginning. The temptation is to rebuild as quickly as possible. I discovered something different. The first priority isn't speed. It's foundation.
The Missing Link
For a long time I thought the journey was simply Foundation ---> Expansion. I knew I wasn't ready to expand, but I couldn't explain why. The missing bridge was capacity.
The pattern is: Foundation ---> Capacity ---> Expansion. A strong foundation creates capacity. Capacity makes expansion sustainable.
The pattern is: Foundation ---> Capacity ---> Expansion. A strong foundation creates capacity. Capacity makes expansion sustainable.
Why I Can Pause
People sometimes mistake a pause for procrastination. They aren't the same. Procrastination avoids. A healthy pause aligns. I don't mind waiting because I have experienced what happens when I build before the foundation is ready.
The Cost of Quicksand
Building on quicksand doesn't just slow progress. It repeats old patterns. For me, that looked like people-pleasing, overextending, and carrying more than my foundation could support.
The Green Light
Today, I ask a different question: " Does my foundation have capacity to carry this?" If the answer is no, I keep building. If the answer is yes, I have peace to move forward.
This is the season I'm stepping into now. Not forced growth. Sustainable growth. Foundation first. Capacity second. Expansion third.
This is the season I'm stepping into now. Not forced growth. Sustainable growth. Foundation first. Capacity second. Expansion third.
- Published on
Returning to the Foundation
There are seasons when building feels exciting, and there are seasons when simply protecting the foundation is the work. After living in survival mode, it is easy to believe that every setback means we must push harder. Yet, a solid structure is not built by rushing. It is built by returning again and again, to the basics.
Lately, I have been reminded that stability is not the absence of challenges. It is the decision to remain grounded even when life becomes unpredictable. Sometimes the bravest thing we can do is eat, hydrate, rest, go to work, come home and allow our nervous system time to settle before asking it to create.
Loose Gravel was never meant to be built from panic. It is meant to grow from peace. That means giving myself permission to pause, trusting the vision will still be waiting when I am regulated again.
Expansion has it's time. Today, my work is foundation. And foundations are never wasted.
Lately, I have been reminded that stability is not the absence of challenges. It is the decision to remain grounded even when life becomes unpredictable. Sometimes the bravest thing we can do is eat, hydrate, rest, go to work, come home and allow our nervous system time to settle before asking it to create.
Loose Gravel was never meant to be built from panic. It is meant to grow from peace. That means giving myself permission to pause, trusting the vision will still be waiting when I am regulated again.
Expansion has it's time. Today, my work is foundation. And foundations are never wasted.
- Published on
This morning wasn't supposed to be complicated.
The plan was simple.
Take Piper and Koda to the park.
Let Piper sniff.
Let Koda burn off some energy.
Come home feeling a little more regulated than when we left.
Instead, we arrived to a different reality.
Another reactive dog.
Lawn mowers running.
Noise.
Distractions.
A completely different environment than the one I had pictured in my head.
Nobody got quite what they came for.
Not the dogs.
Not me.
For a few minutes I could feel the frustration building.
Not because anything terrible had happened.
Because my expectations and reality had stopped matching.
And that's when it hit me.
A surprising amount of dysregulation comes from arguing with reality.
Not the big realities.
The small ones.
The everyday moments when life refuses to follow the script we wrote five minutes ago.
The park was supposed to be quiet.
The dogs were supposed to run.
The walk was supposed to help.
Instead, it became an exercise in adapting.
As we continued walking, another realization appeared.
The goal of the walk wasn't actually the park.
The goal was regulation.
And although the park didn't cooperate, the lesson still arrived.
The lesson was information.
I noticed my energy.
I noticed my frustration.
I noticed that I am not quite ready to add strength training back into my routine.
A year ago I might have ignored that information.
I might have pushed through.
Forced the workout.
Followed the plan because the plan existed.
Today I listened.
That's different.
That's regulation.
Sometimes success isn't getting what you wanted.
Sometimes success is gathering accurate information about where you actually are.
The park was closed.
The plan changed.
The dogs adapted.
I adapted.
And somehow that turned out to be the real purpose of the walk.
Not movement.
Not exercise.
Awareness.
That's not what I went looking for this morning.
But it might have been exactly what I needed.
- Published on
When Life Hands You Dysregulation, Put On Your Shoes
💜🧭The Rage Walk: When Life Hands You Dysregulation, Put On Your Shoes.
There are a lot of articles about mindful walks.
This isn't one of them.
Sometimes a walk starts because you're calm, centered, and seeking connection with nature.
And sometimes a walk starts because if you stay where you are for another five minutes, you're going to lose your mind.
I've had both.
One particular walk started with frustration. The kind that sits in your chest and refuses to leave. I couldn't fix the situation. I couldn't think my way out of it. I couldn't reason with it.
So I put on my shoes.
Not because I wanted exercise.
Not because I was inspired.
Because I needed somewhere for all that energy to go.
As my feet moved, something interesting happened.
Nothing changed.
The problem was still there.
The situation was still unresolved.
But my nervous system started catching up to reality.
The storm inside began settling.
Not disappearing.
Settling.
That's when I realized something important.
Sometimes the first job isn't solving the problem.
Sometimes the first job is regulating the person who is trying to solve it.
When we're dysregulated, every problem feels bigger.
Every decision feels urgent.
Every emotion feels permanent.
A walk doesn't magically fix those things.
But it creates space.
Space between the trigger and the reaction.
Space between the fear and the story we're telling ourselves.
Space for the Pause.
And often, that's enough.
These days I don't wait until everything is falling apart before I walk.
But I still respect the rage walk.
It served a purpose.
It reminded me that movement can carry what the mind cannot.
So if life feels heavy today, consider this your permission slip.
You don't have to have the answers.
You don't have to feel inspired.
You don't have to be mindful.
Just put on your shoes.
The rest can catch up later.
Closing line:
If you're walking on loose gravel right now, one step is enough. The ground doesn't have to feel stable before you start moving forward.
😌💜🧭
There are a lot of articles about mindful walks.
This isn't one of them.
Sometimes a walk starts because you're calm, centered, and seeking connection with nature.
And sometimes a walk starts because if you stay where you are for another five minutes, you're going to lose your mind.
I've had both.
One particular walk started with frustration. The kind that sits in your chest and refuses to leave. I couldn't fix the situation. I couldn't think my way out of it. I couldn't reason with it.
So I put on my shoes.
Not because I wanted exercise.
Not because I was inspired.
Because I needed somewhere for all that energy to go.
As my feet moved, something interesting happened.
Nothing changed.
The problem was still there.
The situation was still unresolved.
But my nervous system started catching up to reality.
The storm inside began settling.
Not disappearing.
Settling.
That's when I realized something important.
Sometimes the first job isn't solving the problem.
Sometimes the first job is regulating the person who is trying to solve it.
When we're dysregulated, every problem feels bigger.
Every decision feels urgent.
Every emotion feels permanent.
A walk doesn't magically fix those things.
But it creates space.
Space between the trigger and the reaction.
Space between the fear and the story we're telling ourselves.
Space for the Pause.
And often, that's enough.
These days I don't wait until everything is falling apart before I walk.
But I still respect the rage walk.
It served a purpose.
It reminded me that movement can carry what the mind cannot.
So if life feels heavy today, consider this your permission slip.
You don't have to have the answers.
You don't have to feel inspired.
You don't have to be mindful.
Just put on your shoes.
The rest can catch up later.
Closing line:
If you're walking on loose gravel right now, one step is enough. The ground doesn't have to feel stable before you start moving forward.
😌💜🧭
- Published on
⚠ SYSTEM ALERT: PeoplePleaser.exe Is Running
At some point, without realizing it, I learned how to become easy to deal with.
Not difficult.
Not too much.
Not disruptive.
Just… agreeable.
And for a while, that worked.
It kept things calm.
It kept relationships steady.
It avoided tension.
But over time, something started to feel off.
💻 The Program Running in the Background People pleasing doesn’t usually show up in obvious ways.
It’s subtle.
Until one day, you realize:
You’ve been managing everything… except yourself.
⚠ STATUS: CORRUPTED The problem isn’t that you care.
The problem is when caring turns into overriding yourself.
That’s where the cost shows up:
🔧 The Shift Isn’t Dramatic It doesn’t start with confrontation.
It starts with something much smaller:
A pause.
That moment before you automatically say yes.
Before you explain.
Before you adjust.
That pause changes everything.
🧠 Rewriting the Pattern Instead of reacting, you start noticing:
Choice.
Not perfect choice.
Just conscious choice.
⚠ Override Required This isn’t about becoming selfish.
It’s not about pushing people away.
It’s about no longer abandoning yourself in the process.
📘 The Guide I put together a 43-page guide built around this exact pattern:
PeoplePleaser.exe: Override Required
It walks through:
🔗 You can check it out here:👉 [ https://gravelly32.gumroad.com/l/ccojn ]
At some point, without realizing it, I learned how to become easy to deal with.
Not difficult.
Not too much.
Not disruptive.
Just… agreeable.
And for a while, that worked.
It kept things calm.
It kept relationships steady.
It avoided tension.
But over time, something started to feel off.
💻 The Program Running in the Background People pleasing doesn’t usually show up in obvious ways.
It’s subtle.
- Saying “yes” when you mean “no”
- Overthinking conversations after they happen
- Explaining yourself more than necessary
- Feeling responsible for how others feel
Until one day, you realize:
You’ve been managing everything… except yourself.
⚠ STATUS: CORRUPTED The problem isn’t that you care.
The problem is when caring turns into overriding yourself.
That’s where the cost shows up:
- exhaustion
- resentment
- disconnection
- second-guessing everything
🔧 The Shift Isn’t Dramatic It doesn’t start with confrontation.
It starts with something much smaller:
A pause.
That moment before you automatically say yes.
Before you explain.
Before you adjust.
That pause changes everything.
🧠 Rewriting the Pattern Instead of reacting, you start noticing:
- What am I actually feeling right now?
- What do I actually want?
- Am I agreeing to avoid discomfort?
Choice.
Not perfect choice.
Just conscious choice.
⚠ Override Required This isn’t about becoming selfish.
It’s not about pushing people away.
It’s about no longer abandoning yourself in the process.
📘 The Guide I put together a 43-page guide built around this exact pattern:
PeoplePleaser.exe: Override Required
It walks through:
- how the pattern forms
- how to interrupt it in real time
- how to respond differently without spiraling
- how to hold your position when it feels uncomfortable
🔗 You can check it out here:👉 [ https://gravelly32.gumroad.com/l/ccojn ]
- Published on
Why People Pleasing Is So Hard to Break
If you’ve been trying to figure out how to stop people pleasing, you’ve probably noticed… it’s not as simple as just saying “no.”
I used to think people-pleasing was obvious.
Saying yes when you want to say no.
Overextending.
Avoiding conflict.
But it’s deeper than that.
It’s in the way you hesitate before speaking.
The way you scan for reactions.
The way you override yourself to keep the peace.
And most of the time, you don’t even realize it’s happening.
Why People Pleasing Is So Hard to Break People pleasing habits are often built over years.
They come from:
- Wanting to feel safe
- Avoiding rejection
- Keeping things stable
That’s why learning how to stop people pleasing isn’t just about behavior.
It’s about awareness.
The Shift: Choosing Yourself Without Guilt. Things started to change when I slowed down enough to notice my patterns.
Not all at once.
But in small, consistent ways.
That’s what PeoplePleaser.exe is built around.
It helps you:
- Recognize people pleasing patterns
- Pause before automatic responses
- Set boundaries without guilt
- Reconnect with your own voice
It’s about learning how to choose yourself—clearly and calmly.
If you’ve been feeling drained, disconnected, or like you’ve been living more for others than yourself… this is where you start.
→ [ PeoplePleaser.exe https://gravelly32.gumroad.com/l/vudyg ]
- Published on
When Time Isn’t the Measure of Healing
Last month marked two years since I stepped out of a narcissistic abuse cycle.
Two years.
That number sounds meaningful. Milestones often do. They give us a sense of distance, progress, and closure. In many areas of life, time is the metric we use to measure healing.
But trauma recovery doesn't always follow the calendar.
Two years can pass and a nervous system may still be learning how to feel safe again.
And that realization can be confusing at first.
When people hear “two years,” they may imagine that everything is resolved. That the dust has settled. That life has returned to normal.
But recovery from narcissistic abuse doesn't move in a straight line like that.
It moves in layers.
The Nervous System Learns Last
One of the hardest things to understand after leaving a cycle of psychological manipulation is this:
Your mind may understand what happened long before your body does.
You can know the truth.
You can see the patterns.
You can understand the manipulation, the gaslighting, the shifting reality that once kept you trapped.
But the nervous system still has to process the experience.
And that takes time.
Sometimes it takes more time than we expected.
The nervous system doesn't speak in logic.
It speaks in safety.
So the real work after leaving narcissistic abuse often becomes learning something very basic again:
How to return to yourself.
Regulation: The Quiet Victory For a long time, I believed healing would look dramatic.
A breakthrough moment.
A day where everything suddenly made sense and life moved forward without hesitation.
But what I've learned is that recovery often looks much quieter than that.
Sometimes the victory is simply this:
Recognizing when you are dysregulated.
Pausing.
Breathing.
Grounding yourself.
And slowly guiding your nervous system back to a place of safety.
This process can happen many times.
And each time it does, something important is happening beneath the surface.
Your system is learning a new pattern.
It is learning that you can return to yourself.
The Myth of “Being Over It” There is pressure in our culture to “move on.”
To reach a point where difficult experiences no longer affect us.
But trauma recovery doesn't erase the past.
Instead, it changes our relationship with it.
You may still feel echoes of what happened.
You may still have days where the nervous system becomes overwhelmed.
But the difference is this:
You now know the path back.
And that knowledge is powerful.
Because every time you walk yourself back to regulation, you strengthen a new foundation inside yourself.
Walking On Loose Gravel. The name of this blog came from a simple image, from my childhood, when I stepped out of the car onto the loose gravel road that had arrived and parked at the house/'family' I was assigned to, by the courts.
Loose gravel is unpredictable ground. It was unstable ground from that moment until this one.
When you first step onto it, your footing feels uncertain. Each step shifts beneath you.
Healing from narcissistic abuse can feel like that.
At first, every step feels unstable.
You question your perceptions.
You question your instincts.
You question your sense of reality.
But over time, something changes.
You learn how to walk on the gravel.
Your balance improves.
Your footing becomes steadier.
And what once felt impossible becomes something you can navigate.
Not perfectly.
But confidently.
The Real Measure of Healing Two years out from a narcissistic abuse cycle does not automatically mean everything is healed.
But it can mean something else.
It can mean that you are learning how to come back to yourself.
Again and again.
And perhaps that is the real measure of healing.
Not how much time has passed.
But how gently and steadily you are able to return home to your own nervous system.
Step by step.
Even on loose gravel.
When Time Isn’t the Measure of Healing
Last month marked two years since I stepped out of a narcissistic abuse cycle.
Two years.
That number sounds meaningful. Milestones often do. They give us a sense of distance, progress, and closure. In many areas of life, time is the metric we use to measure healing.
But trauma recovery doesn't always follow the calendar.
Two years can pass and a nervous system may still be learning how to feel safe again.
And that realization can be confusing at first.
When people hear “two years,” they may imagine that everything is resolved. That the dust has settled. That life has returned to normal.
But recovery from narcissistic abuse doesn't move in a straight line like that.
It moves in layers.
The Nervous System Learns Last
One of the hardest things to understand after leaving a cycle of psychological manipulation is this:
Your mind may understand what happened long before your body does.
You can know the truth.
You can see the patterns.
You can understand the manipulation, the gaslighting, the shifting reality that once kept you trapped.
But the nervous system still has to process the experience.
And that takes time.
Sometimes it takes more time than we expected.
The nervous system doesn't speak in logic.
It speaks in safety.
So the real work after leaving narcissistic abuse often becomes learning something very basic again:
How to return to yourself.
Regulation: The Quiet Victory For a long time, I believed healing would look dramatic.
A breakthrough moment.
A day where everything suddenly made sense and life moved forward without hesitation.
But what I've learned is that recovery often looks much quieter than that.
Sometimes the victory is simply this:
Recognizing when you are dysregulated.
Pausing.
Breathing.
Grounding yourself.
And slowly guiding your nervous system back to a place of safety.
This process can happen many times.
And each time it does, something important is happening beneath the surface.
Your system is learning a new pattern.
It is learning that you can return to yourself.
The Myth of “Being Over It” There is pressure in our culture to “move on.”
To reach a point where difficult experiences no longer affect us.
But trauma recovery doesn't erase the past.
Instead, it changes our relationship with it.
You may still feel echoes of what happened.
You may still have days where the nervous system becomes overwhelmed.
But the difference is this:
You now know the path back.
And that knowledge is powerful.
Because every time you walk yourself back to regulation, you strengthen a new foundation inside yourself.
Walking On Loose Gravel. The name of this blog came from a simple image, from my childhood, when I stepped out of the car onto the loose gravel road that had arrived and parked at the house/'family' I was assigned to, by the courts.
Loose gravel is unpredictable ground. It was unstable ground from that moment until this one.
When you first step onto it, your footing feels uncertain. Each step shifts beneath you.
Healing from narcissistic abuse can feel like that.
At first, every step feels unstable.
You question your perceptions.
You question your instincts.
You question your sense of reality.
But over time, something changes.
You learn how to walk on the gravel.
Your balance improves.
Your footing becomes steadier.
And what once felt impossible becomes something you can navigate.
Not perfectly.
But confidently.
The Real Measure of Healing Two years out from a narcissistic abuse cycle does not automatically mean everything is healed.
But it can mean something else.
It can mean that you are learning how to come back to yourself.
Again and again.
And perhaps that is the real measure of healing.
Not how much time has passed.
But how gently and steadily you are able to return home to your own nervous system.
Step by step.
Even on loose gravel.
- Published on
I used to think healing was measured by time passed. Two years out should have meant I was
"farther along." But what I didn't understand was that most of that time was spent walking on loose gravel--moving yes, but without traction.
My nervous system was still in survival. There was motion, effort, awareness--but not regulation.
Real growth didn't begin until my body could actually receive it.
The shame comes from believing we should be further along--still continuing to chronically judge
ourselves, still expecting that time alone equals healing. That's the lie. It's not about the clock; it's
about the ground beneath your feet. Grounding = Regulation.
Some of those early months felt like motion for motion's sake. I was stretching, learning, noticing,
and yet my nervous system had no safe landing. Each step forward could feel like forward... until my body said, not yet.
Sometimes, even technology feels like loose gravel. My desktop reaches out to Weebly--hoping for
connection--and gets ghosted. My phone, a few inches away, happily shakes hands and lets me
move forward. It's a funny little reminder that not every path is steady, and some things just need to find the right angle before they'll work.
Loose gravel doesn't mean failure. It means you're still moving, still noticing, still engaged. It means growth is happening quietly, under the surface, until the ground beneath you is solid enough to support it.
Regulation is not a reward for healing. Regulation is the starting line. It's the moment when you can finally absorb the growth you've been working for all along. And until that moment comes, you're not behind. You are exactly where you need to be.
So if you feel stuck, if you feel like time has passed and nothing has shifted, pause. Breathe. Feel
the truth of your journey. Loose gravel is still movement. Loose gravel is still progress. And the day you step onto solid ground, you'll know it--not because of a calendar, but because your body, your mind, and your heart will finally exhale.
(P.S. Laugh a little at Weebly. It's just being sassy.)
- Published on
If you’re here for the first time, welcome. Loose Gravel exists for moments exactly like this—when something finally clicks, but the realization feels big, disorienting, or hard to hold all at once.
Many people arrive here after leaving a narcissistic or emotionally abusive relationship and find themselves asking:
How did that happen?
Why did it feel so intense?
Did something get taken from me?
These are normal questions. And there are grounded answers.
A Helpful Framework (Not a Literal One)You may come across references to Dr. David Hawkins’ Map of Consciousness, which describes emotional states like shame, fear, courage, love, and peace. Some people describe this in terms of “vibrations” or energy levels.
At Loose Gravel, we use this model symbolically, not literally.
No one can siphon your consciousness, steal your soul, or permanently lower your emotional baseline. But people can borrow regulation, attention, and emotional stability when they lack it themselves.
Understanding this distinction is crucial for healing.
What’s Actually Happening in Narcissistic Abuse People with strong narcissistic traits are often deeply shame-based and emotionally dysregulated. They don’t have a stable internal sense of self, which means they rely heavily on external regulation—attention, admiration, emotional reactions, and control.
Here’s how the cycle typically works:
1. The Baseline State Internally, the narcissistic system is fragmented and unstable. There may be confidence on the surface, but underneath there is often shame, fear, emptiness, or agitation.
This isn’t about morality. It’s about nervous system regulation.
2. The Love-Bombing Phase When they meet someone grounded, empathic, or emotionally available, they instinctively mirror those qualities.
This can feel intoxicating:
- Intense connection
- Rapid bonding
- A sense of being deeply seen
Think caffeine, not nourishment.
3. The Temporary High During this phase, they may appear loving, confident, generous, or even spiritually awake. But this state is performance-based and unsustainable.
There has been no internal integration—only external stimulation.
4. Devaluation As soon as intimacy requires authenticity, accountability, or emotional reciprocity, the system begins to collapse.
Shame resurfaces. Instead of being tolerated, it is projected.
You may notice:
- Criticism
- Withdrawal
- Blame-shifting
- Emotional coldness
5. Return to Baseline Eventually, the mask drops. Not because you failed—but because it was never sustainable.
They don’t fall from your level.
They return to where they always were.
What Did Not Happen This part matters.
They did not:
- Take your ability to love
- Drain your consciousness
- Lower your true emotional baseline
That’s exhaustion—not loss.
Why It Can Feel So Massive Afterward After leaving the cycle, many people feel:
- Confused
- Foggy
- Dysregulated
- Desperate to understand the magnitude of what happened
Your system is trying to make sense of something that violated its expectations of safety and reciprocity.
A Grounding Truth People cannot rise in consciousness by consuming others.
They can only perform higher states temporarily.
Real courage, love, and peace are self-generated and stable. That’s why you still have access to them now—and why the cycle no longer has access to you.
Why Loose Gravel Exists Loose Gravel is about sustainable healing.
Less depletion. More bandwidth for the life you love.
If you’re newly out of the cycle, go slowly. Choose what regulates you. Eat simply. Rest often. Reduce decisions. Let understanding land gently, not all at once.
You’re not broken.
You’re coming back online.
And you’re on solid ground now—even if it still feels unfamiliar.
Welcome.
- Published on
What I didn't know then-
The red flags were dismissed. However, the reasons for this at the time were very much beyond my scope of understanding in that moment. When, the excitement of meeting someone new, out weighed the sharp mental jolt in my mind that was trying to warn me to not engage, let alone proceed any further with this potential partner. Partner? The sentence alone is a red flag. Where did that come from? How did we go from casually meeting to partner?
The love bomb was so intense. Narcissists move fast. That mask can only stay on for so long and they have to hook, woo, lure and convince the supply (prey) it is meant to be hitting your endorphins/dopamine hard and fast to trigger your pleasure centers like you won a jackpot in Vegas-with little to no time to process. That's their m.o. (modius operandi) every time. It is manipulation.
Manipulation strips away free choice by covertly influencing thoughts, feelings, and behaviors for the manipulator’s benefit. I experienced persistent self-doubt, confusion, and a loss of trust in my own judgment, making it extremely difficult to make independent decisions. Over time, this erosion of autonomy leads to a dependence on the manipulator, as I felt I had no other options or fear the consequences of asserting myself by another possible rage-fit, as I had encountered once the mask was thrown down in the devaluation stage.
This is exactly where the narcissist wants the new supply. When I saw myself in this reflection-cycle, trap I learned there is a way out.
The goal became to break the cycle and end the loops of going round and round with someone who is completely out of control. Instead of walking on eggshells in another cycle love bomb, devaluation and discard I put an exit strategy together.
I had 4 months to do what I could and no looking back, did what I could and left. The level of toxicity was too much to bear and when he started bringing the new supply around I left within days since I recognized how unstable he is and could not risk his discard becoming violent when I had two small dogs I am responsible for.
Inside of 4 months I rented a storage locker-I moved what I could into it including a new bed frame & mattress. I ordered it to the store and then picked it up myself. When doing stuff like this I moved in silence and tried to know his whereabouts so I could get the tasks down without any interference. If I can share anything it is the importance of not telling anyone what you're doing because you do not know who is who let alone is anyone trustworthy inside the narcs circle. It turned out this one had flying monkey's in my place of work.
He got constant feedback from them as I pieced it all together. Eventually, I would give notice at that job to affirm no contact and end the hoovers when he was low on supply.
Circling back to exiting-I took the basics and made sure I had cover stories-since I learned neighbors informed him of what I was doing when he was supposed to have been gone all day. Oh these things are going to good will. ( mine )
Then I got smarter and moved things in the evening when the spying eyes were behind blinds and curtains. Just small things. It was winter so I moved my summer clothes out. I needed sheets, towels-again basics. Know-stuff is all replaceable-you aren't. I did not want to alert him in any way-knowing how unstable he is.
Then cold weather struck and snow fell it made things that much harder. Working with the elements I can only pray your exit is not in the winter. They didn't plow let alone salt the storage lot-losing precious days and weeks to move things.
I secured a new place Jan 1, 2024 to call my own for myself and fur pals and reverse discarded without incident Feb 10, 2024. I could not stomach spending Valentine's day with him-I took back that day and reclaimed it for myself and dogs.
I can not stress the importance of leaving without incident. I was getting some information online and realize now the most dangerous time to be in a npd cycle of abuse with the narc is when you are ready to leave.
What I had in my favor is the element of surprise-I didn't engage in any further contact directly with him after I left. I greyrock when hoovered and keep stepping. I understood the cycle now and knew even 1 word can set off anything in them.
The reverse discard was the most powerful step I could take to begin empowering myself after being manipulated so much in such a short period of time and later learning after my life slowed down and as I approach year 2 since the reverse discard my boundaries were decimated in my childhood when I felt I wasn't safe staying; I said I wasn't staying in (the toxic home) I was assigned to and was left there to serve a 12 1/2 year sentence with a narcissistic family.
That is the foundation of Loose Gravel. Taking back the ground that was manipulated, lost and stolen from beneath me at the tender age of 3 1/2 to present day. This is what I didn't know then and why my weak boundaries were so easily manipulated just a couple of years ago.
In time, re-regulating my nervous system 'NO'. becomes a complete sentence. Red flags are now the trusted and honored warning system that are now actively working as they should to keep toxic people at arms length, greyrock, or even no contact. The tools work-the cycles are broken and this is sacred healing ground I am stepping into.
Forgiveness doesn't mean another free pass into my life. It means you're forgiven and the cycle is over-the choice is returned and I choose myself over toxicity now. My peace guides me to build my life free from toxicity and that is a priceless gift. I am so grateful to have exited the npd cycle of abuse and I believe if you're reading this, you can too.
Blog Post Disclaimer- “If you are currently in danger, please seek local support or professional guidance before attempting an exit.”
The love bomb was so intense. Narcissists move fast. That mask can only stay on for so long and they have to hook, woo, lure and convince the supply (prey) it is meant to be hitting your endorphins/dopamine hard and fast to trigger your pleasure centers like you won a jackpot in Vegas-with little to no time to process. That's their m.o. (modius operandi) every time. It is manipulation.
Manipulation strips away free choice by covertly influencing thoughts, feelings, and behaviors for the manipulator’s benefit. I experienced persistent self-doubt, confusion, and a loss of trust in my own judgment, making it extremely difficult to make independent decisions. Over time, this erosion of autonomy leads to a dependence on the manipulator, as I felt I had no other options or fear the consequences of asserting myself by another possible rage-fit, as I had encountered once the mask was thrown down in the devaluation stage.
This is exactly where the narcissist wants the new supply. When I saw myself in this reflection-cycle, trap I learned there is a way out.
The goal became to break the cycle and end the loops of going round and round with someone who is completely out of control. Instead of walking on eggshells in another cycle love bomb, devaluation and discard I put an exit strategy together.
I had 4 months to do what I could and no looking back, did what I could and left. The level of toxicity was too much to bear and when he started bringing the new supply around I left within days since I recognized how unstable he is and could not risk his discard becoming violent when I had two small dogs I am responsible for.
Inside of 4 months I rented a storage locker-I moved what I could into it including a new bed frame & mattress. I ordered it to the store and then picked it up myself. When doing stuff like this I moved in silence and tried to know his whereabouts so I could get the tasks down without any interference. If I can share anything it is the importance of not telling anyone what you're doing because you do not know who is who let alone is anyone trustworthy inside the narcs circle. It turned out this one had flying monkey's in my place of work.
He got constant feedback from them as I pieced it all together. Eventually, I would give notice at that job to affirm no contact and end the hoovers when he was low on supply.
Circling back to exiting-I took the basics and made sure I had cover stories-since I learned neighbors informed him of what I was doing when he was supposed to have been gone all day. Oh these things are going to good will. ( mine )
Then I got smarter and moved things in the evening when the spying eyes were behind blinds and curtains. Just small things. It was winter so I moved my summer clothes out. I needed sheets, towels-again basics. Know-stuff is all replaceable-you aren't. I did not want to alert him in any way-knowing how unstable he is.
Then cold weather struck and snow fell it made things that much harder. Working with the elements I can only pray your exit is not in the winter. They didn't plow let alone salt the storage lot-losing precious days and weeks to move things.
I secured a new place Jan 1, 2024 to call my own for myself and fur pals and reverse discarded without incident Feb 10, 2024. I could not stomach spending Valentine's day with him-I took back that day and reclaimed it for myself and dogs.
I can not stress the importance of leaving without incident. I was getting some information online and realize now the most dangerous time to be in a npd cycle of abuse with the narc is when you are ready to leave.
What I had in my favor is the element of surprise-I didn't engage in any further contact directly with him after I left. I greyrock when hoovered and keep stepping. I understood the cycle now and knew even 1 word can set off anything in them.
The reverse discard was the most powerful step I could take to begin empowering myself after being manipulated so much in such a short period of time and later learning after my life slowed down and as I approach year 2 since the reverse discard my boundaries were decimated in my childhood when I felt I wasn't safe staying; I said I wasn't staying in (the toxic home) I was assigned to and was left there to serve a 12 1/2 year sentence with a narcissistic family.
That is the foundation of Loose Gravel. Taking back the ground that was manipulated, lost and stolen from beneath me at the tender age of 3 1/2 to present day. This is what I didn't know then and why my weak boundaries were so easily manipulated just a couple of years ago.
In time, re-regulating my nervous system 'NO'. becomes a complete sentence. Red flags are now the trusted and honored warning system that are now actively working as they should to keep toxic people at arms length, greyrock, or even no contact. The tools work-the cycles are broken and this is sacred healing ground I am stepping into.
Forgiveness doesn't mean another free pass into my life. It means you're forgiven and the cycle is over-the choice is returned and I choose myself over toxicity now. My peace guides me to build my life free from toxicity and that is a priceless gift. I am so grateful to have exited the npd cycle of abuse and I believe if you're reading this, you can too.
Blog Post Disclaimer- “If you are currently in danger, please seek local support or professional guidance before attempting an exit.”