If you’re here for the first time, welcome. Loose Gravel exists for moments exactly like this—when something finally clicks, but the realization feels big, disorienting, or hard to hold all at once.
Many people arrive here after leaving a narcissistic or emotionally abusive relationship and find themselves asking:
How did that happen?
Why did it feel so intense?
Did something get taken from me?
These are normal questions. And there are grounded answers.

A Helpful Framework (Not a Literal One)You may come across references to Dr. David Hawkins’ Map of Consciousness, which describes emotional states like shame, fear, courage, love, and peace. Some people describe this in terms of “vibrations” or energy levels.
At Loose Gravel, we use this model symbolically, not literally.
No one can siphon your consciousness, steal your soul, or permanently lower your emotional baseline. But people can borrow regulation, attention, and emotional stability when they lack it themselves.
Understanding this distinction is crucial for healing.

What’s Actually Happening in Narcissistic Abuse People with strong narcissistic traits are often deeply shame-based and emotionally dysregulated. They don’t have a stable internal sense of self, which means they rely heavily on external regulation—attention, admiration, emotional reactions, and control.
Here’s how the cycle typically works:

1. The Baseline State Internally, the narcissistic system is fragmented and unstable. There may be confidence on the surface, but underneath there is often shame, fear, emptiness, or agitation.
This isn’t about morality. It’s about nervous system regulation.

2. The Love-Bombing Phase When they meet someone grounded, empathic, or emotionally available, they instinctively mirror those qualities.
This can feel intoxicating:

• Intense connection
• Rapid bonding
• A sense of being deeply seen

What’s happening is not a true rise in emotional maturity—it’s imitation combined with adrenaline and novelty.
Think caffeine, not nourishment.

3. The Temporary High During this phase, they may appear loving, confident, generous, or even spiritually awake. But this state is performance-based and unsustainable.
There has been no internal integration—only external stimulation.

4. Devaluation As soon as intimacy requires authenticity, accountability, or emotional reciprocity, the system begins to collapse.
Shame resurfaces. Instead of being tolerated, it is projected.
You may notice:

• Criticism
• Withdrawal
• Blame-shifting
• Emotional coldness

This is not caused by you.

5. Return to Baseline Eventually, the mask drops. Not because you failed—but because it was never sustainable.
They don’t fall from your level.
They return to where they always were.

What Did Not Happen This part matters.
They did not:

• Take your ability to love
• Drain your consciousness
• Lower your true emotional baseline

What did happen is that your empathy and attunement were overused, and your nervous system was temporarily entrained into chaos.
That’s exhaustion—not loss.

Why It Can Feel So Massive Afterward After leaving the cycle, many people feel:

• Confused
• Foggy
• Dysregulated
• Desperate to understand the magnitude of what happened

This isn’t obsession. It’s integration.
Your system is trying to make sense of something that violated its expectations of safety and reciprocity.

A Grounding Truth People cannot rise in consciousness by consuming others.
They can only perform higher states temporarily.
Real courage, love, and peace are self-generated and stable. That’s why you still have access to them now—and why the cycle no longer has access to you.

Why Loose Gravel Exists Loose Gravel is about sustainable healing.
Less depletion. More bandwidth for the life you love.
If you’re newly out of the cycle, go slowly. Choose what regulates you. Eat simply. Rest often. Reduce decisions. Let understanding land gently, not all at once.
You’re not broken.
You’re coming back online.
And you’re on solid ground now—even if it still feels unfamiliar.
Welcome.

The red flags were dismissed. However, the reasons for this at the time were very much beyond my scope of understanding in that moment. When, the excitement of meeting someone new, out weighed the sharp mental jolt in  my mind that was trying to warn me to not engage, let alone proceed any further with this potential partner. Partner? The sentence alone is a red flag.  Where did that come from? How did we go from casually meeting to partner?

The love bomb was so intense. Narcissists move fast. That mask can only stay on for so long and they have to hook, woo, lure and convince the supply (prey) it is meant to be hitting your endorphins/dopamine hard and fast to trigger your pleasure centers like you won a jackpot in Vegas-with little to no time to process. That's their m.o. (modius operandi) every time. It is manipulation. 

Manipulation strips away free choice by covertly influencing thoughts, feelings, and behaviors for the manipulator’s benefit.  I experienced persistent self-doubt, confusion, and a loss of trust in my own judgment, making it extremely difficult to make independent decisions.  Over time, this erosion of autonomy leads to a dependence on the manipulator, as I felt I had no other options or fear the consequences of asserting myself by another possible rage-fit, as I had encountered once the mask was thrown down in the devaluation stage.

This is exactly where the narcissist wants the new supply. When I saw myself in this reflection-cycle, trap I learned there is a way out.

The goal became to break the cycle and end the loops of going round and round with someone who is completely out of control. Instead of walking on eggshells in another cycle love bomb, devaluation and discard I put an exit strategy together.

I had 4 months to do what  I could and no looking back, did what I could and left. The level of toxicity was too much to bear and when he started bringing the new supply around I left within days since I recognized how unstable he is and could not risk his discard becoming violent when I had two small  dogs I am responsible for.

Inside of 4 months I rented a storage locker-I moved  what I could into it including a new bed frame & mattress. I ordered it to the store and then picked it up myself. When doing stuff like this I moved in silence and tried to know his whereabouts so I could get the tasks down without any interference. If I can share anything it is the importance of not telling anyone what you're doing because you do not know who is who let alone is anyone trustworthy inside the narcs circle. It turned out this one had flying monkey's in my place of work.

He got constant feedback from them as I pieced it all together. Eventually, I would give notice at that job to affirm no contact and end the hoovers when he was low on supply.
Circling back to exiting-I took the basics and made sure I had cover stories-since I learned neighbors informed him of what I was doing when he was supposed to have been gone all day. Oh these things are going to good will. ( mine ) 

Then I got smarter and moved things in the evening when the spying eyes were behind  blinds and curtains. Just small things. It was winter so I moved my summer clothes out. I needed sheets, towels-again basics. Know-stuff is all replaceable-you aren't. I did not want to alert him in any way-knowing how unstable he is.

Then cold weather struck and snow fell it made things that much harder. Working with the elements I can only pray your exit is not in the winter. They didn't plow let alone salt the storage lot-losing precious days and weeks to move things.

I secured a new place Jan 1, 2024 to call my own for myself and fur pals and reverse discarded without incident Feb 10, 2024. I could not stomach spending Valentine's day with him-I took back that day and reclaimed it for myself and dogs.

I can not stress the importance of leaving without incident. I was getting some information online and realize now the most dangerous time to be in a npd cycle of abuse with the narc is when you are ready to leave.

What I had in my favor is the element of surprise-I didn't engage in any further contact directly with him after I left. I greyrock when hoovered and keep stepping. I understood the cycle now and knew even 1 word can set off anything in them.

The reverse discard was the most powerful step I could take to begin empowering myself after being manipulated so much in such a short period of time and later learning after my life slowed down and as I approach year 2 since the reverse discard  my boundaries were decimated in my childhood when I felt I wasn't safe staying;  I said I wasn't staying in (the toxic home) I was assigned to and was left there to serve a 12 1/2 year sentence with a narcissistic family.

​That is the foundation of Loose Gravel. Taking back the ground that was manipulated, lost and stolen from beneath me at the tender age of 3 1/2 to present day. This is what I didn't know then and why my weak boundaries were so easily manipulated just a couple of years ago.

In time, re-regulating my nervous system 'NO'. becomes a complete sentence. Red flags are now the trusted and honored warning system that are now actively working as they should to keep toxic people at arms length, greyrock, or even no contact. The tools work-the cycles are broken and this is sacred healing ground I am stepping into.

​Forgiveness doesn't mean another free pass into my life. It means you're forgiven and the cycle is over-the choice is returned and I choose myself over toxicity now. My peace guides me to build my life free from toxicity and that is a priceless gift. I am so grateful to have exited the npd cycle of abuse and I believe if you're reading this, you can too.

Blog Post Disclaimer- “If you are currently in danger, please seek local support or professional guidance before attempting an exit.”
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I can not tell you the lengths I had to go thru to reach this moment-new years eve to be able to share about finally exiting from the npd cycle of abuse before the clock strikes 12 as we enter a new year. Full of promise, hope, change etc. Add on-it's a new year, right? Love, peace. happiness, health, security on and on it goes.

Nevertheless,  I made  it. I obtained the goal to be able to set up a new blog and begin posting since  taking that first step on loose gravel in my childhood to finding steady ground after learning I was  born into the npd cycle of abuse, as I exited the devaluation cycle during a reverse discard when I dismissed a red flag in the love bomb  stage with a narcopath.

There had been several red flags mixed in with the love bombing. The issue is my discernment was overrun by  the love bomb. That was the last time I would lose my footing on unstable ground and fall. The days and months that followed left me and my dogs at risk on a daily basis until I had enough resources in place to leave.

February 10,2026-will be two years  since I broke the cycle I was trapped in most of my life. That's another blog post I will post about another time.