Dismissing The Red Flags

What I didn't know then-

The red flags were dismissed. However, the reasons for this at the time were very much beyond my scope of understanding in that moment. When, the excitement of meeting someone new, out weighed the sharp mental jolt in  my mind that was trying to warn me to not engage, let alone proceed any further with this potential partner. Partner? The sentence alone is a red flag.  Where did that come from? How did we go from casually meeting to partner?

The love bomb was so intense. Narcissists move fast. That mask can only stay on for so long and they have to hook, woo, lure and convince the supply (prey) it is meant to be hitting your endorphins/dopamine hard and fast to trigger your pleasure centers like you won a jackpot in Vegas-with little to no time to process. That's their m.o. (modius operandi) every time. It is manipulation. 

Manipulation strips away free choice by covertly influencing thoughts, feelings, and behaviors for the manipulator’s benefit.  I experienced persistent self-doubt, confusion, and a loss of trust in my own judgment, making it extremely difficult to make independent decisions.  Over time, this erosion of autonomy leads to a dependence on the manipulator, as I felt I had no other options or fear the consequences of asserting myself by another possible rage-fit, as I had encountered once the mask was thrown down in the devaluation stage.

This is exactly where the narcissist wants the new supply. When I saw myself in this reflection-cycle, trap I learned there is a way out.

The goal became to break the cycle and end the loops of going round and round with someone who is completely out of control. Instead of walking on eggshells in another cycle love bomb, devaluation and discard I put an exit strategy together.

I had 4 months to do what  I could and no looking back, did what I could and left. The level of toxicity was too much to bear and when he started bringing the new supply around I left within days since I recognized how unstable he is and could not risk his discard becoming violent when I had two small  dogs I am responsible for.

Inside of 4 months I rented a storage locker-I moved  what I could into it including a new bed frame & mattress. I ordered it to the store and then picked it up myself. When doing stuff like this I moved in silence and tried to know his whereabouts so I could get the tasks down without any interference. If I can share anything it is the importance of not telling anyone what you're doing because you do not know who is who let alone is anyone trustworthy inside the narcs circle. It turned out this one had flying monkey's in my place of work.

He got constant feedback from them as I pieced it all together. Eventually, I would give notice at that job to affirm no contact and end the hoovers when he was low on supply.
Circling back to exiting-I took the basics and made sure I had cover stories-since I learned neighbors informed him of what I was doing when he was supposed to have been gone all day. Oh these things are going to good will. ( mine ) 

Then I got smarter and moved things in the evening when the spying eyes were behind  blinds and curtains. Just small things. It was winter so I moved my summer clothes out. I needed sheets, towels-again basics. Know-stuff is all replaceable-you aren't. I did not want to alert him in any way-knowing how unstable he is.

Then cold weather struck and snow fell it made things that much harder. Working with the elements I can only pray your exit is not in the winter. They didn't plow let alone salt the storage lot-losing precious days and weeks to move things.

I secured a new place Jan 1, 2024 to call my own for myself and fur pals and reverse discarded without incident Feb 10, 2024. I could not stomach spending Valentine's day with him-I took back that day and reclaimed it for myself and dogs.

I can not stress the importance of leaving without incident. I was getting some information online and realize now the most dangerous time to be in a npd cycle of abuse with the narc is when you are ready to leave.

What I had in my favor is the element of surprise-I didn't engage in any further contact directly with him after I left. I greyrock when hoovered and keep stepping. I understood the cycle now and knew even 1 word can set off anything in them.

The reverse discard was the most powerful step I could take to begin empowering myself after being manipulated so much in such a short period of time and later learning after my life slowed down and as I approach year 2 since the reverse discard  my boundaries were decimated in my childhood when I felt I wasn't safe staying;  I said I wasn't staying in (the toxic home) I was assigned to and was left there to serve a 12 1/2 year sentence with a narcissistic family.

​That is the foundation of Loose Gravel. Taking back the ground that was manipulated, lost and stolen from beneath me at the tender age of 3 1/2 to present day. This is what I didn't know then and why my weak boundaries were so easily manipulated just a couple of years ago.

In time, re-regulating my nervous system 'NO'. becomes a complete sentence. Red flags are now the trusted and honored warning system that are now actively working as they should to keep toxic people at arms length, greyrock, or even no contact. The tools work-the cycles are broken and this is sacred healing ground I am stepping into.

​Forgiveness doesn't mean another free pass into my life. It means you're forgiven and the cycle is over-the choice is returned and I choose myself over toxicity now. My peace guides me to build my life free from toxicity and that is a priceless gift. I am so grateful to have exited the npd cycle of abuse and I believe if you're reading this, you can too.

Blog Post Disclaimer- “If you are currently in danger, please seek local support or professional guidance before attempting an exit.”
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